The Twelve Days of Winter Break

To the tune of - The 12 Days of Christmas

On the first day of winter break
my children said to me:
We need a later bedtime

On the second day of winter break
my children said to me:
2 chores only, we're on vacation
and we need a later bedtime.

On the third day of winter break
my children said to me:
3 friends are coming over
2 chores only, we're on vacation
and we need a later bedtime

On the fourth day of winter break
my children said to me:
4 days of nothing good to eat
3 friends are coming over
2 chores only, we're on vacation
and we need a later bedtime

On the fifth day of winter break
my children said to me:
5 reasons why we're bored
4 days of nothing good to eat
3 friends coming over
2 chores only, we're on vacation
and we need a later bedtime

On the sixth day of winter break
my children said to me:
6 excuses for our rooms
5 reasons why we're bored
4 days of nothing good to eat
3 friends coming over
2 chores only, we're on vacation
and we need a later bedtime

On the seventh day of winter break
my children said to me:
7 things we need at the store
6 excuses for our rooms
5 reasons why we're bored
4 days of nothing good to eat
3 friends coming over
2 chores only, we're on vacation
and we need a later bedtime

On the eighth day of winter break
my children said to me:
8 chanukah gifts please
7 things we need at the store
6 excuses for our rooms
5 reasons why we're bored
4 days of nothing good to eat
3 friends are coming over
2 chores only, we're on vacation
and we need a later bedtime

On the ninth day of winter break
my children said to me:
9 balls a bouncing
8 chanukah gifts please
7 things we need at the store
6 excuses for our rooms
5 reasons why we're bored
4 days of nothing good to eat
3 friends are coming over
2 chores only, we're on vacation
and we need a later bedtime

On the tenth day of winter break
my children said to me:
10 Nerf guns blazing
9 balls a bouncing
8 chanukah gifts please
7 things we need at the store
6 excuses for our rooms
5 reasons why we're bored
4 days of nothing good to eat
3 friends are coming over
2 chores only, we're on vacation
and we need a later bedtime

On the eleventh day of winter break
my children said to me:
11 hours of television
10 Nerf guns blazing
9 balls a bouncing
8 chanukah gifts please
7 things we need at the store
6 excuses for our rooms
5 reasons why we're bored
4 days of nothing good to eat
3 friends coming over
2 chores only, we're on vacation
and we need a later bedtime

On the twelfth day of winter break
my children said to me:
12 rides around town
11 hours of television
10 Nerf guns blazing
9 balls a bouncing
8 chanukah gifts please
7 things we need from the store
6 excuses for our rooms
5 reasons why we're bored
4 days of nothing good to eat
3 friends coming over
2 chores only, we're on vacation
and we need a later bedtime

Mama Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Teenagers

To the Tune of Willie Nelson's Mama Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys
(Inspired by my own teenager)

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be teenagers
Don't let 'em get tall and think that they're grown
Make 'em stay young and do what they're told

Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be teenagers
They'll never stay home or if they are home
they're wrapped in electronic devices

Teenagers ain't easy to love and they're harder to hold
They'd rather ignore you than talk or go for a walk
They seldom come 'round till they need a ride or are hungry

And each night begins a new day
And if you don't understand them (and who would?)
Just hang on till this phase is over

Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be teenagers
Don't let them get tall and think that they're grown
Make 'em stay young and do what they're told

Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be teenagers
They'll never stay home and when they're at home
they'll be wrapped in electronic devices

Teenagers like sleeping till noon, listening to tunes,
texting a friend, watching shows til the end
They'll shower forever or not at all

They want us to chill, think we're over the hill
Sometimes we don't know how to take them
They've changed but somewhere in there is the child we knew

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be teenagers
Don't let 'em get tall and think that they're grown
Make 'em stay young and do what they're told

Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be teenagers
They'll never stay home or if they are home
they're wrapped in electronic devices

Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be teenagers

Commotion in the Back Seat of the Car

Since Secret Service is legally able to ride in the front seat of the car, when I'm performing my motherly chauffeur duties, the boys sit in different rows. However, when the four of us climb into the car, the boys "share" the backseat. And by "share," I mean they are assigned to sit there, next to each other. It sounds simple, but it hasn't been going well.

Secret Service likes to cart a heavy, full-to-the brim backpack to and from school each day. He doesn't remove it from the car so I'm not sure why he carries it, maybe just as a status symbol. Wouldn't you think if you carried that around, there would be a reason, like you've got homework of some sort that you are going to complete? Or, maybe you've got a book in there that you are assigned to read. Or, maybe you have some notes in a notebook to review? Anyway, in the car, Secret likes to place this backpack next to him on the seat, in the spot closest to the window. With Sport in one window seat and the backpack in the other coveted window seat, Secret is squished into the non-existent middle seat. With Secret and Sport so close to each other, it is easy for them to constantly touch each other, yell at each other for touching each other, scream, then laugh hysterically.

Even when we remove the giant backpack (which still seldom makes it into the house but instead sits forlornly in the garage) and mandate that each boy take a seat by a window, leaving the space between them empty, a neutral zone of sorts, there is bickering, fighting, taunting, teasing.

Recently a new aspect of the ride was added when they started to sing together. Make no mistake, there is no harmony, these aren't the Hanson Brother's. Instead, they happily belt out tunes with inappropriate lyrics and then laugh maniacally when the adults object.

What consequence can you enforce while driving? You can pull the car over and refuse to drive or you can threaten them with some loss of privilege that will occur when you get home. Neither seems to impact them in the moment. The only time I had a victory was when they were younger and sharing the back seat. They were squabbling, slapping each other, laughing, shrieking, clearly enjoying themselves. My nerves were frayed and jangled from the racket. We were close to a grocery store. Trying to ignore them, I started to think about a few items I needed to pick up - milk, bread, etc. The boys loathe running any household errands. I had an idea. With the store within sight, I said to them, "If I hear one more word, I am pulling over to that grocery store and we are all going in to shop." Complete silence. Quiet all the way home. Not a peep.

I need to find more grocery stores.

Time or Money?

I've had times when I am busy professionally, and the upside is that the money is there, but the downside is that I'm stressed, rushed, exhausted, feeling like I'm shortchanging my kids by being so busy and pre-occupied with work. After days, weeks, months of that type of schedule, the bank account is full but inside I'm on empty. I don't feel I am providing the kids with the all-important "quality time" we hear so much about and don't feel like I'm even fun to be around. Currently, I've chosen to work part-time so I've been able to take the kids to school, pick them up, be at home more. Most of the time, that feels like a better balance. I've got more time at home but lately I've wondered if I'm using this time wisely. Just like money can be wasted, so can time.

My kids are getting ready to start their Winter Break and we'll be spending a lot of time together each day. Without effort or planning, I'm afraid the time will just slip away, with nothing accomplished and no special memories created. To prepare, I asked each of them to give me some ideas for how they'd like to spend the time.

Secret Service would like to fly to another city to visit old friends, stay in a hotel, eat in restaurants, swim, shop, go to movies. Sport wants to ice skate at outdoor rinks, play at places where you pay to jump or participate in challenges, have a movie marathon where we watch all the Harry Potter movies. Both would like to have sleep-overs with friends.

I thought it was odd that neither child mentioned an interest in doing any home improvement projects, cleaning out closets, cooking or baking. I see I'm on my own if I want to tackle any of these. My first and foremost goal of every vacation is the desire to sleep in later. Once that is accomplished, I'm open for anything. Let the break begin.

Holiday Wish Lists

With the holidays approaching, every day brings new catalogues in the mail. I've handed them to the boys, asking them to give me ideas about what they'd like to receive as gifts. Here's what I've gotten so far -

Secret Service is requesting a soda making machine. Secret Service needs a soda making machine like I need to have a Krispy Kreme donut shop operating from my living room. Secret has a wicked soda addiction. I'm convinced Secret wakes up in the morning thinking about where and when to snag a Pepsi. Secret would rather drink soda than eat a meal and we have reason to suspect that uses his lunch money to buy soda instead of food. When soda is served at someones home, Secret parks himself at the counter like a drunk at a bar. So, no, sadly, Secret will not be getting a soda making machine.

Another item on Secrets' list is an air soft gun. Secret already owns one of these and it has been confiscated for months because he misused it. I will spare you the details, no one was injured, but Secret did not prove he could handle this weapon and it is semi-permanently removed from his possession. Why would we get him another one?

Secret would like a winter jacket that costs over $100. He showed me a picture of it. It is lovely. However, I don't understand why he needs this as he has refused to wear his current brand new (over $100) jacket, (that he selected) and on the one day I forced him to wear it to school, he supposedly left it in his locker and we haven't seen it since.

Sport has looked through the catalogues and has consistently circled the same items each time. However, there are some problems here, too. Sport wants a Nerf gun. I was in the basement this morning and counted 11 Nerf guns. I mentioned this to Sport. He said they aren't all his, some of these belong to Secret. He said the new Nerf guns are better than the ones he has. I think not.

Sport has also requested a battery powered helicopter that flies. The trouble is that Sport got one of these last year, played with it for 25 minutes the day he got it, 10 minutes the next day and then never again.

I told Sport to look through the catalogues and find something that he doesn't already have. That's when he came up with the request for a candy machine, the kind that gives you candy when you put your hand under it. Why doesn't this sound like a good idea?

I told both boys that they need to generate more ideas. Secret has asked for a full-size tempurpedic mattress. I said I heard that they are expensive. Secret said it wasn't too bad, he noted that the mattress is $1399.00! I asked if it can be a foam mattress that is a different brand, but Secret said he needs that particular brand. I don't think we can swing that at this time.

If the boys can't come up with ideas for gifts that they don't already have, are safe and healthy, and affordable, I'm going to just buy them clothes. In the past, they wept when they received clothes for a gift but I'm running out of ideas.

Thanksgiving Blessings

As the holiday of Thanksgiving comes and goes, in addition to planning who will make the sweet potatoes, we should reflect on what we have and do so with a spirit of gratitude. With that in mind, here are a few things for which I am grateful.

I'm grateful that even though my kids complain when I experiment with a new recipe, and even if they don't like what I serve for dinner, we have food to put on our table. After school wasn't canceled during the last snow storm, Secret Service said he heard that the school system was relutant to cancel because for children who are eligible for free or reduced priced breakfast and lunch, canceling school could mean a day of going hungry. It was hard to hear that there are children who might not get food if they weren't at school. Secret and I looked at each other sadly.

Lately, someone (I suspect Sport) has been leaving their dirty socks in the living room and as much as I haven't enjoyed that, I am grateful that although none of us clean or organize the house as much as I'd like, we have a house to live in, a place to call home.

I am grateful that Science Girl and I each have reliable transportation. (I may not value this as much next year - Secret Service claims that he can get his drivers permit in June and he's started eying the cars in a way that makes me nervous.)

I'm grateful that if I ever had a day where I could sleep past 7:30 AM (and if I could stay asleep), Secret Service sleeps in and Sport is old enough and independent enough that when he wakes, he quietly watch TV shows, even if they are shows that I would like to prohibit.

I'm grateful that we have family and friends with whom to share our lives. I expecially enjoy meeting and getting to know the kids who Secret and Sport choose as friends and feel glad that my kids do such a good job picking friends.

And last but certainly not the least, I'm grateful that our family is healthy. I don't want to ever take that for granted.

Stay where I can see you

When the boys got old enough to walk independently, they immediately set out to investigate their world, which meant crawling, walking, running, hop, skip and jumping away from wherever I was. Initially, I tried to stop them, to keep them in my arms or in a stroller. When that proved impossible, I started to say, "Stay where I can see you." They came to understood that they didn't have to stand right next to me if they stayed nearby.

I said those words for years, they were my mantra, part of my everyday routine with the boys, like "brush your teeth" or "get ready for bed." But now, through no fault of their own, those words don't fit anymore, the boys have grown out of them like so many of their baby onesies and toddler overalls.

Yesterday Science Girl and I both had commitments that kept us from being able to pick up the boys from their respective schools. For the first time ever, Secret Service independently took the city bus and then walked home from the bus stop. Sport took a school bus, which he has done before. I had the boys each contact me when they'd reached the house. I was proud of them for their independence and relieved that I could trust them to get home on their own.

But, sad, too. The boys are at ages where they are more often out of my sight. Secret Service in particular is more and more out of my sight. Recently, he and a friend went to a shopping mall and movie together, with no grown-up accompaniment. Also, no grown ups were present when he and his friends went to watch the high school soccer team compete in a tournament.

What I've decided is that developmental milestones are more challenging for the parents than the kids. Secret seems happy to be let out of the house on his own recognizance. Sport is thrilled to be given the opportunity to get home from school on his own. It's just Mommy who feels a bit of confusion and loss. I can't always glance up and see my boys. Lately, they are not always where I can see them.

Fun with Sport

Last week, Secret Service, as a full-fledged teenager, busied himself with his peers and did his best to avoid interaction or meaningful conversation with me. Having time on my hands, I self-selected myself to be the parent who got to go to the last Cotillion class with Sport. The instructions were for moms to wear a dress and finding one in my closet of pantsuits was challenging. Digging through years of clothes, a dress was discovered, pantyhose were donned, make-up was applied and the next thing I knew, Sport and I were standing at the mantle in the living room, posing for photos snapped by Science Girl. Dressed in jeans, slippers and fleece, she looked content to stay home and happily wished us well. Arriving at the Cotillion, parents were directed to seats to observe while the children partnered up and demonstrated their manners and dances. Then, the parents joined their children on the dance floor and did the same dances. As the male, Sport was the lead. He patiently coached me about which way to go. And, when it was time to spin, we both laughed heartily at my awkwardness. Sport, swept up in the merriment, chanted, "Spin, my mommy, spin." It was the best laugh I'd had in ages, completely worth the cost of the class.

The next day, I accompanied Sport and his 5th grade class on a field trip to Young Ameritowne, where students-turned-citizens applied concepts they'd learned such as supply and demand, job skills and work habits, banking procedures, democratic processes, civic consciousness, and career awareness. Sport was assigned to be an accountant in the medical center while I was chosen to support the children in the newspaper office. When I glanced in the medical center, I was surprised to see the accountant wearing a lab coat, a stethoscope draped casually around his neck. Later in the day, Sport claimed he had completed his accounting tasks, and he was seen pushing children in a wheelchair and diagnosing their illnesses.

And a few days later found us working at the snack bar at a debate tournament at Secret Services' high school. Sport placed himself in charge of selling slices of pizza, elbowing the volunteer moms out of the way and making it his domain. When our time was up, the woman in charge asked if Sport could remain, saying she'd drive him home at the end of the evening. Alas, Sport had already committed to having a friend come over so he was unable to stay. In parting, as a gesture of her appreciation, the woman presented him with a whole pizza, which he was thrilled to accept.

A whirling dervish, accountant/doctor, pizza salesman - quite a week.

Winter Comes to Denver

On facebook, I read excerpts that my friends post, sharing details about what they are doing. It pretty much always sounds great. Do you suppose my friends are telling it like it really is? Here is my excerpt from our evening, with parentheses around details I would omit on facebook.

Here in Denver, we are enjoying (I am not!) our second snowfall of the season. The beautiful, white snow blankets the house (and is treacherous to drive in). (I'm worried that we're going to have to shell out @ $400 for Science Girl to have snow tires since she has a long, daily commute to work and we're on our second snow and it is only Nov. 3.) Science Girl made delicious chili (but, of course the kids won't eat it). I love having something warm to eat on a cold night.

When the kids got home from school yesterday, they were excited to get outside (to make a huge mess playing in the snow). (I asked them to shovel the sidewalk but instead, they used the shovels to pick up snow and scatter it around and to hit each other.) The snow came so early this year and the boys are growing so fast that we realized they both need new snow boots. (Holy Cow! More $$$. Also, I don't have any idea when I'll have time to do this.) (When they were finished outside, they both tracked in chunks of snow and ice, and ran upstairs, leaving all their snow gear in a messy pile on the floor by the front door.)

Later, (under protest) Sport read aloud to Science Girl while Secret Service and I completed some household chores. Secret has (grudgingly) agreed to do some extra things around the house as a way to pay back some money he owes. We worked together (he had to be watched constantly as any time I didn't stay vigilant, he stopped working and started pushing buttons on his phone). Secret worked diligently (with only the use of one hand as his other hand had to hold on to his cell phone at all times) and learned to clean mirrors, dust the wooden staircase (at one point spraying the cleaner in his eye and then trying to use this as a reason to stop), and vacuum staircases. The house is really starting to sparkle (or maybe it looks that way to me because I got cleaner in my eye, too).

Afterwards, I made a loaf of banana bread. It smelled delicious (until it baked too long, the bottom got burned and the kids refused to eat it even when I cut the burnt piece off). At bedtime, I placed extra blankets on each bed. The boys snuggled in (Secret still clutching his phone) and looked so sweet. (All was quiet untill Sport started coughing, threw up from coughing, took cough syrup and returned to bed.) A nice (not!) start to winter.

Reflections on Halloween

Walking through the neighborhood tonight, trick or treating with Sport, I've been thinking how parenting is a bit like trick or treating. When you trick or treat, you approach a house with no idea about who is at the door or what you'll receive. How many times have you rung the bell and waited patiently, only to find that no one answers? Or, the person comes to the door and hands you a tiny, hard peppermint candy, the kind that old ladies carry in their purses.

Just like that uncertainty at the door, no matter how you got your children, whether by birth or adoption, you really have no idea what you're getting until you've got it. You are hopeful, of course, like when you walk up to a house that has a porch light on and is decorated with pumpkins. Ultimately, there are no guarantees that a full-size chocolate candy bar will be tossed into your waiting bucket. We do what we can to better the odds. We trick or treat in affluent neighborhoods, or those with houses close together, or with lots of children. And in parenting, we love our children and provide them with what we believe increases the odds that they will grow into successful adults.

Just like our Halloween experiences change from year to year, as people become more or less involved or invested in handing out candy to costumed children, our children change and grow, some years find them pleasant and cooperative and other years find the same children disagreeable and defiant.

Walking around, Sport and I pass fairy princesses, villains, and superheroes. From door to door, I hear the familiar refrain, "trick or treat" and I marvel at the bravery of parents, who traverse the adventure of parenthood, filled with optimism, hope and good intentions.

An Example of Irony

Secret Service has been studying the concept of irony in English class. Although you know irony when you see it, it is a difficult concept to define. We've been talking (I talk, he rolls his eyes) about how an unexpected outcome can make a situation ironic. Secret had an assignment to write an ironic story using cartoon panels and couldn't think of anything to write about when we went to the doctors office last week.

It turns out, excellent mother that I am, that Secret had missed his "well child" check-up, which was due in June. Now, faced with a form that needed to be filled out by a doctor for Secret to play school sports, I made an appointment for him and always striving to be on top of things, included Sport for his annual check up.

On the drive over, Secret performed his big brother duties, as outlined in the manual, by tormenting Sport, telling him that at a 10 year old check-up, he believed Sport would get 3 immunizations, or as we call them, "shots." No one wants to hear that. I kept interrupting, reassuring Sport that we didn't know if that was the case, reminding him that his brother was a fountain of misinformation.

When the doctor joined us in the exam room, he reviewed their records and proclaimed that at 10, there are no shots due. Sport was exuberant. Then, the doctor made another proclamation. At Secrets' 14 year old check-up, two shots were due! Secret looked surprised and when the doctor left the room, he made a last ditch effort to negotiate with me. I stood firm. After Secret had received the shots, I commented that it was ironic that he'd teased his brother and then been the one to get the shots. I said the good news is that now he has an idea for an ironic story. Secret agreed.

Cell Phones and Ravioli

Thursday dinner time found me bustling around the kitchen, making ravioli for dinner. I was effectively multi-tasking, making sauce for the pasta, stirring the pot of boiling ravioli, getting the house organized for me to walk out the door to go to work. Science Girl phoned to update me on her estimated time of arrival. I tucked my cell phone in the crook of my neck, continuing to talk to her as I poured the ravioli into the colander. Just then, disaster! The phone slid into the colander and I couldn't react fast enough. The boiling water spilled on top of it. Pandemonium ensued as I fished the phone out, knocking most of the ravioli out of the colander and into the sink. The phone was hot, wet and dead.

I took the cover off and held it gently, the ravioli forgotten as I tenderly pushed buttons, trying to get a response. At work that night, several people told me encouraging stories of phones revived by sitting for 24 hours completely submerged in a bowl of uncooked rice. When I got home, I lovingly placed the phone in a bowl of rice, said a prayer and left it for the required time. Twenty four hours later, Secret Service and I checked, found that the phone would turn on but that the resolution was problematic, the screen too dark to read. Cradling the phone like a sick child, the boys and I proceeded to the phone store. When we got there, the salesperson examined the phone, listened to my tale, shook his head and said they couldn't save it.

Then, the details unfolded. I couldn't replace my phone with the exact same model, I'd need to get an upgraded model. They could however, transfer my contacts and photos to another phone. I panicked. I hadn't even thought about the photos. I had over 250 photos on the phone, photos that I had never "backed up" on to a computer or printed as a picture. Then I started to sweat. How much was this going to cost? I felt my knees buckle. I told the salesperson I'd need to think. Secret Service and I moved to the only bench in the store. I was stricken.

Secret offered a solution. A technology buff, he'd been salivating over the new cell phone model and he said he'd buy the new phone and I could take over his phone. We went to work out the details with the salesperson. My phone number could be transferred to Secrets' phone, his number could be placed on the new phone. It all was working out until little Sport came over to the counter to check in with us. Sport has been on an active campaign for a phone since he was 7. For years, he has watched peers open presents containing phones at birthday parties, watched classmates make calls, when was it going to be his turn? Now, he stood, incredulous, as his older brother upgraded to a spiffy new phone while he still had no phone.

The next day, the whole family returned to the phone store where Sport picked out a phone, getting his Chanukah gift early.

Final total - two new phones, two new covers (because of course the new phone isn't made to fit inside the old cover), two activation fees, two "skins" to protect the phone's screen, and $10 a month (for 24 months) to add Sport to our family plan.

That was one expensive bowl of ravioli.

Imaginative Play?

I encourage the boys to participate in imaginative play but their imaginations usually result in things careening out of control in one of two ways - someone gets hurt and cries or the house gets messed up. Here's how it's shaking out lately.

Recently, Sport has made several complaints that Secret Service has squirted water on him. Sport has tears (or water droplets) in his eyes and has pointed to the places that are wet. When questioned, Secret has the following defenses - #1 - "I didn't do it." (Always a good place to start.) Next - #2 - "I don't see any water." Then, while laughing - #3 - "He did it first." (Sport, starting to laugh, vehemently denies this.)

Last weekend, the boys told me they were going to play in the loft. First, they set up chairs to resemble the interior of a bus and watched a part of a game that showed people riding a city bus. Then, they moved the seats around to look like they were in an airplane. Secret set himself up in the "cockpit," using a simulator on the computer to "fly." Sport sat behind him, lounging in what appeared to be first class (lots of legroom) while watching a DVD and drinking ice water. (I have cracked down on no food or beverage outside of the kitchen.) In the spacious seat beside him sat a stuffed animal, a Husky dog, perched cheerfully for the excursion.

There's a sticky note on the wall near the loft that says, "Motel Bus - Please Use Other Door." It has an arrow that points to the bedrooms. Closer to the bedrooms is a sticky note that says, "Next Departure - 7:35, 7:50, 8:15." This game seems to have spread throughout the house because in the office, I found an old computer case filled with a hockey jersey. Next to it, an envelope with handwritten information about a flight from Los Angeles to Denver on United. In the envelope, my old VISA bankcard and Sport's school ID from two years ago.

I think it is imaginative play and not a well-planned runaway to join a National League Hockey team. I am slightly suspicious, however. Sport is on a vigorous campaign to have a house key. I might need to look into this further.

Cotillion

These past two Sundays, Sport put aside his mud-caked cleats and got spiffed up to join about a hundred other fourth and fifth graders in their quest to learn (as the Cotillion brochure states) "contemporary etiquette skills." The experience supposedly helps students develop communication, socialization and dance skills. I don't think good manners ever go out of style and I wanted Sport to have this opportunity, but even I wonder when and where he'll use these new skills.

We'd purchased a black pinstripe suit for Sport last year and with the hem taken down on the pants and a deep inhale while zipping up, Sport was able to get in it again. The first week, he selected a striped tie to go with the outfit. When I took him to the class, I was struck by how wonderful all the little girls looked in their brightly colored party dresses, pumps with little heels and white gloves. The second week, Sport inquired about wearing a bow tie, saying he'd never worn one and wanted to. Luckily, while on an unrelated errand, I discovered one for $5 and snapped it up. He was thrilled and went off for his second class looking very much like a waiter.

Sport shares his progress with us each week.. He's learned the proper way to ask a young lady to dance. He's learned the Fox Trot, Waltz, and Cha Cha. He also did a reenactment of how to present your date with a cup of punch. Happily, he did not spill any on the beautifully dressed girls.

I remember being taught to waltz in fourth grade. At that point, I was among the tallest girls in the class and spent every dance session trying to get Ralph Bromborsky, one of the tallest boys, to be my dance partner. Although I think I managed to have us dance together a time or two, we never took off as a couple. I lost sight of Ralph as we moved into Junior High school, but held on to that image of myself as a tall girl long after my slower growing peers climbed above me and what had seemed tall in fourth grade became average height by eighth grade.

Standing on line to check Sport in at the Cotillion, I noted that he was among the taller of the children. When I leaned down to tell him good-bye, I whispered, "Ask a tall girl to dance." He didn't understand, but he promised he would.

Anniversary

Twenty years ago today, Science Girl and I had a small commitment ceremony in a friends backyard. We wanted an opportunity to stand before people we cared about, pledge our commitment to each other and to have these same people validate and support us by witnessing this event. This sort of thing wasn't commonplace in Oklahoma twenty years ago and even though we were having the ceremony, we were afraid that there could be some sort of backlash. I was worried enough that I wrote invitations and handed them to people personally without putting our names on them. We exchanged rings but chose to wear them on our right hands to minimize questions about the significance of the rings. We hired a seamstress to make us beautiful matching pantsuits and when she inquired about the occasion, we said we were bridesmaids, not brides.

Twenty years. A lot has changed in the world. In our current community of Denver, Colorado, it feels pretty safe to be part of a same sex couple and we've gotten pretty comfortable being out. The kids have helped that along. One or two people might be able to fit in a closet but stuffing a family of four in there wouldn't be easy. Even our boys friends seem comfortable with us and seldom seem confused to find a family with two moms. There was the time when Secret Service was in 1st grade. He had a new friend over, and I mentioned that Secret had two moms. The little boy looked surprised, then suspicious. "Are you sure one of you isn't the Nanny?" he asked.

Same sex marriage is not legal in Colorado, so to celebrate this milestone anniversary, Science Girl and I contemplated traveling to a state where it is legal and tying the knot. I thought maybe it was important for our children to see our commitment, to know we were legally wed. When I asked them, Sport responded with enthusiasm, never one to pass up a party, he said he'd like to be the ring bearer and the DJ. Secret Service said he already considered us married.

We do, too.

Listening Skills

The other day, while driving Secret Service home from school, I was asking my usual questions about his day. Secret participated briefly, but informatively, actually pulling a grading score sheet from his backpack and reading me the teacher's comments.

Depleted by that soul rendering intimacy, Secret inserted ear buds. I'm pretty sure he thought that what was coming next was a lecture about studying, working hard at school, or better yet, a reminder about picking up his room when he arrived home, or emptying the dishwasher. Driving, with no one to chat with, I reflected on how difficult it is to get my kids to hear me. The ear pieces are just the latest in an arsenal of methods to tune their parents out.

Science Girl and I always joke that Secret has "selective bionic hearing." When we talk to him, he appears not to have heard us. When we talk about him, he has an uncanny ability to hear us. When we talk about something that is none of his business, he seems able to hear us through walls. On occasion, I have looked to see if he has the room bugged.

Sadly, Sport is afflicted with the same type of situational deafness as his brother. Our family dog does a better job of responding to his name than Sport does. But, when I am honest with myself, I have to admit that I'm guilty of the same. As much as I wanted to be a Mom, there are days when I think my ears will bleed if I hear "Mommy" one more time. There are times when I hear "Mommy" and I pretend that I heard the kids say, "Mama" (Science Girl's handle) so that she is the one who has to go see what's up and I can try to stay blissfully unaware.

And, since I'm confessing, I'll admit that sometimes when they ask for something that they can't have, I act like I don't hear them because to hear them and say no just starts an argument. And sometimes, one of them is talking, sharing something, and I'm too busy or pre-occupied to listen or I cut them off to remind them to do a chore.

Saturday was the Jewish holiday, Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, a day to reflect on our errors and shortcomings in the past year and think about how we might do things differently in the coming year. I've been thinking about it and I'm going to try to listen more. Maybe the kids will, too.

Grocery Store

Last night, after dinner, Science Girl initiated a trip to the grocery store, saying she needed to purchase cayenne pepper. It seems that Science Girl had carefully planted flower bulbs in very precise rows, only to realize that rabbits were undoing and disrupting her design. Her gardening buddies had instructed her to spread cayenne pepper on top of the bulbs she'd planted, saying this would keep the rabbits away.

Science Girl looked surprised when I announced we would all accompany her. I thought it would be a good time to get the boys to each fill a bag of food items to donate to the food bank, a project our synagogue does every year. And, I wanted Secret Service to find something that he'd be willing to eat for lunch at school.

When we arrived at the store, Secret Service claimed he was thirsty and asked to buy a soda. I said no. Sport asked for candy. I said no. I reminded them why we'd come to the store. Secret Service shrugged and said he didn't have an opinion on what to buy for the food bank. He wandered off, presumably to shop for something that he could take to school for lunch. Sport enthusiastically suggested we buy sushi for the food bank. Even though we'd talked about this in the car on the way to the store, I re-explained the concept of a pantry and of needing to select food with a shelf life.

Sport and I walked to the cereal aisle. I told him to pick a cereal for the food bank using one of the coupons I had. Sport said he didn't like any of those cereals. I explained again that these cereals weren't for us. As we were finalizing our selections, Secret Service re-appeared, holding a box of pretzels, saying these would make a good lunch. I said no. Secret Service and Sport started to shove each other and then ran off, chasing each other.

I meandered over to the bean aisle. A minute later, Sport ran up, sweating, panting, and looking over his shoulder. I said, "Pick two bags of beans, the ones for $.99." Quickly, Sport grabbed one bag of kidney beans, threw it in the cart and then, still looking over his shoulder, darted off. Meanwhile, Secret Service came back around, nothing in his hands, claiming he couldn't find anything that he'd want to eat for lunch.

I found Science Girl, perusing the spices. Breathless, Sport appeared, inquired about the cayenne, protested, saying that the cayenne was a bad idea because small children in the neighborhood liked to dig in our garden and then lick their hands. I eyed him, suspiciously. I said, "I've never seen any small children in our garden. I have seen you in there." Just then, Secret Service approached and Sport, a big smile on this face, attempted to trip Secret Service. They started to punch each other.

The grown ups separated the boys and then to divide and conquer, Science Girl went with Secret Service into the deli department to find something for his lunch. I took Sport in a different direction, the pasta aisle, where he chose packages of spaghetti for our food bank donation. Sport had a lot of other ideas too, insisting that watermelon would be a great addition to the items for the food bank. Eventually, with Science Girl's help, Secret Service agreed to some roast beef. However, he explained that he'd rather buy his lunch at the restaurants around his school and didn't understand why we wouldn't give him more than $10 a week to do so. I explained I'd like to eat my lunch out every day too, but it was just too expensive. Secret Service became engrossed in a rack of gift cards and Sport was admiring the watermelons. I selected the rest of the items for the food bank.

On the way home, everyone was quiet, thinking their own thoughts about gift cards, watermelon, cayenne pepper and the like. Another successful shopping trip.

Summer Wrap-Up

As I prepare to wrap up my second full month of blogging, I wanted to give a shout out to some of the places I have referenced in the blog and to some that I should have.

Secret Service and I had a good shopping experience at K & G Fashion Superstore http://www.kgmens.com/ and I would recommend it to those looking for boys or menswear. The one we went to had an independent tailor shop within it, which made it super convenient. Also, we found a great selection of reasonably priced men's dress shoes at http://offbroadwayshoes.com/ Off Broadway Shoes. Those of you with teenagers know that their feet grow before the rest of their body and when Secret and I took the shoes to the counter to pay, the salesclerk looked surprised. She glanced at the size 9 (!) shoes and at Secret, who is holding steady at about 5'2" and said, "Are these for him?" On the way home, Secret, impressed by the size of his own feet, asked me if I'd ever heard that shoe size was related to . . . I acknowledged that I'd heard that, but didn't think there was truth in it. Still, I could tell he was hopeful.

I haven't been browsing http://foodnetwork.com/ the Food Network site as much since having to singlehandedly eat Paula Deens' spaghetti pie for five days, but I still recommend it when you are looking for inspiration for something new to cook.

This summer, did anyone watch http://nbc.com/americas-got-talent/ America's Got Talent? It became a ritual for our family to sit down together. We all had our favorite acts, but I have to admit that Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr. was my man from the beginning. I can't remember the last time I bought music but when he releases an album, I'm lining up. There is something about his humble personality, rags to riches story and unexpected talent that just makes me smile.

It's Autumn. Any traditions or rituals that you enjoy this time of year?

Suit Shopping with a Growing Boy

On Sunday, I took Secret Service clothes shopping. Secret hates clothes shopping and tries to convince me to go to the store without him, buy several varieties of outfits in various sizes for him, bring them home, have him try them on and then return whatever doesn't fit. Actually, Secret doesn't feel it is necessary to try on clothes, he thinks you can get an accurate measurement by holding the clothes up against your body.

Secret Service needed a new suit for the Speech and Debate class that he inadvertently signed up for and has been trying to quit ever since he got to the class and understood that he would actually have to give a speech or debate someone about something. Supposedly, he has written a speech and possibly even memorized it. Science Girl and I have not seen or heard the speech and Secret says if he has anything to do with it, we won't be seeing or hearing him perform it.

I asked a few friends about places to buy a reasonably priced suit for my growth-spurting boy. One friend suggested I get a suit for Secret at a thrift store. I explained that Secret has a rule about not wearing clothes that have been previously worn by others. While we drove to the clothing store, Secret, in more of an expansive mood than usual, chatted about how his first car is going to be a Mercedes. Secret reviewed some data on his phone and announced he can get a new Mercedes for $34,000 and if he earned $10,000 a year, he'd pretty much have the money in a little more than three years. Secret was not forthcoming on how he'd earn the $10,000 each year but didn't seem worried so I decided not to worry either. I am driving a Mazda so I wished him well and reminded him to budget for insurance.

I took Secret to a discount clothing store. He was unimpressed with the selection and said he suspected it was a consignment shop (which it was not!). While there, for the first time, Secret gave me a few more details, supposedly from the Speech and Debate teacher. Secret said the suit had to be solid black or grey, no pinstripes or navy. Secret also said the teacher told them to buy a good quality suit, "an expensive suit," because they'd be wearing it a lot and should look good and be comfortable. Not finding anything that met that criteria, we went on to another discount menswear store. In this store, Secret became insistent on buying a suit that I could tell was already too small for him. Trying to be patient (it isn't really one of my virtues), I explained that as a teenager he won't be getting smaller and instead, will be growing larger. I said that a suit that is too small today will be even smaller tomorrow. Thinking I'd handled that well, I was not happy when Secret said, "I disagree." However, it made me appreciate his potential for debate, his ability to defend a ridiculous position.

When we found a suit that was solid black, fit him and that he actually looked terrific in, Secret was unhappy. He wanted to spend all my money and the suit was a reasonable price. He perked up a little when he discovered I'd have to pay additional for alterations. We pick it up next week.

Dinner Time

My current work schedule has allowed me the opportunity to plan and cook dinners at home, which I would enjoy if the boys would eat what I prepare. Instead, if one likes what I make, the other does not, and sometimes, neither likes it. I like trying new recipes so I had been scouring the Food Network site for ideas. Each evening, I would happily set the food on the table with recognition about the chef who created the recipe like, "Paula Deens' spaghetti pie." By the way, I thought Paula Deens' spaghetti pie was delicious, but neither boy would eat it. The recipe made enough for 12 people which resulted in a lot of leftovers for lunches for Science Girl and me. (Science Girl started to crumble when I packed the spaghetti pie in her lunch the third day and on day 4, she threatened to leave me if I sent it again.) After weeks of new recipes, but the same results, Science Girl did an intervention on me. She sat me down and had me look at the facts.

1. The boys (despite my best efforts) are not adventurous eaters.
2. (And, much like #1) - The boys want to eat the same foods over and over.

Her conclusion was that I should just make the foods they will eat. That leaves me with the following repertoire of dishes - burgers, steak, pasta, eggs, pizza. (Boring!)

I have heard that if kids help make the food, they are proud of their efforts and will be more invested in eating what they helped to prepare. I talked to each boy separately about developing a menu for a dinner. Sports' idea was to buy already prepared sushi and serve it. I nixed that so he's had to go back to the drawing board. Secret Service suggested making egg drop soup. He's made it before and both boys love it. I was encouraged - an idea I could work with. "What else should we serve?' I asked. Secret looked confused. "That's all," he said. "That's the whole meal?" He nodded.

So, as I write my grocery list, filled with the same old items, I can't help but check out the Food Network site, looking for recipes for tofu (I could pass it off as a pale burger) or calzones (like pizza but inside the double crust). I hope I can find a compromise between what they want and what I want.

Letting Go

Sport is the kind of child who is rarely afraid of anything and as his mother, that makes me afraid for him. He is also a child who has a spiffy new bike and attends an elementary school that encourages students to walk or ride their bikes to school each day. Sport, now in 5th grade, has launched a vigorous campaign to be one of those students. On the face of it, it sounds like a good deal, exercise and independence. He has a buddy who already has permission to ride his bike to school and that child's mom explained to me that she has extensively reviewed the safest route for the boys to take and expectations about being safe in traffic. I get that but the part of me that is a Social Worker and has listened to many stories of bad things happening to innocent children, leads me to want to give the bad guys of the world less opportunity to be near my child. Meanwhile, Sport isn't having any of it. He saw kids his own age and younger ride their bikes to the day camp this summer and pushed relentlessly to be able to do so. Our compromise was that he could ride his bike but I would follow him in the car.

Recently, when I lamented to two friends about Sports' insistence to bike to school, they (separately) said, "Don't you want him to be independent? It got me thinking. While I don't want my boys living in our basement in their adulthood, I don't feel any urgency to have them become independent now.

The Internet said the preteen years are an important time for children to begin developing responsible behavior. In a study found on the Internet, it said Generation O youngsters (O is for optimistic and opportunistic) are growing up younger. Enfranchised by information technology, they are more independent and sophisticated than their predecessors and more confident about what they can achieve. I don't know if Sport is considered part of Generation O, but that description fits him. He cheerfully and enthusiastically insists on his independence.

Sport and I have come to a new compromise. He can join his buddy to ride to and from school two days a week. Sport is thrilled but I am still filled with great trepidation. In the morning, I stand at the house and watch them go. I don't get in the car to follow them.

Family Car Trips

I was re-reading a book that I have,"101 Things Every Kid Should Do Growing Up," by Alecia T. Devantier. I have enjoyed seeing her ideas about what makes an ideal childhood. One of her ideas is that every kid should experience a family car trip. It got me to reminiscing about some of our family car trips.

Ever since Secret Service was small, he enjoyed all modes of transportation except the car. He admired buses, trains, always had a passion for airplanes, enjoyed a boat ride. But, get him in the car and he becomes unpleasant.

Several years ago, Science Girl had accumulated some Marriott points and since we had no plans to go out of town in the foreseeable future, we thought it would be fun to take our then 5 year old and 1 year old to a town 40 minutes away. We knew that Secret Service was not a fan of a long car ride but we prepared him for a "long" car ride, saying we were going on a vacation and would stay at a hotel. We were smug, thinking that before he could begin to complain, we'd surprise him by already being at our destination. Late on a Friday afternoon, we packed up and Science Girl eased the car onto the highway. We shared a smile as we handed Secret a book to look at, a stuffed animal to hold and put on one of his favorite music tapes.

Soon, Secret pierced the relative quiet of the car by starting the chant, known to parents everywhere. "Are we there yet?' he asked. I looked at the clock. We'd been in the car for 7 minutes.

"Where could we be?" I asked, as if he'd have a sensible answer. I turned to Science Girl, "How could we be at a vacation destination in 7 minutes?" I was indignant. To no one in particular, I exclaimed, "We couldn't even be at the airport in 7 minutes!" Of course, Secret was not interested in these details, he just continued to intermittently whine about it for the next 33 minutes.

I thought maybe 5 was too young to appreciate a family car trip so when Secret was 8, we drove with both boys from Portland, Oregon to Seattle, Washington, with a stop at Mount St. Helen. Secret had professed an interest in Mount St Helen. We handed the kids books, music, snacks. This time, because Secret was so much older and more mature, it took 20 minutes before he started to complain. Sport was 4, old enough to have something to say, and he mimicked his older brother, both complaining at various times that they were bored, hungry, thirsty, their legs were stiff or alternately numb. The author of "101 Things Every Kid Should Do Growing Up" suggests that on the family car trip, you should turn off the radio and teach your children the songs you sang on car trips when you were a kid. Science Girl and I have lovely voices and both were in choruses while growing up, but when we launched into a melodic "B-I-N-G-O" our children became mutinous. From the back seat, they started to argue with each other. I had one of those cosmic kicks in the head when I realized that without ever seeing my sisters and me as children, they were doing a dead-on impersonation of us squabbling about being on each other's side, pushing and shoving each other. Our pictures from Mount St. Helen show all of us looking grim, like we were concerned about being so close to harms' way (the volcano) but really we dreaded having to climb back into the car with each other.

This last March, we were on a family car trip from the Colorado mountains, returning to Denver. Taking another idea from "101 Things," I asked the boys (13 and 9 years old at the time) if they wanted to play license plate spelling, where you make words with the letters in the license plates of passing cars. To say they weren't interested would be a gross understatement. We were approaching an outlet mall and I signaled for Science Girl to stop so I could do a little shopping. The boys were indignant, saying that they wanted to get home as soon as possible. Secret turned to his brother, "She couldn't do this if we were in an airplane," he said. Sport agreed.

Sunday Evening

After dinner and cleaning the kitchen, I began to fantasize about laying in my bed. I didn't want to sleep. I wanted to relax, recline, lounge, surrounded by my books, today's unread newspaper, pens, paper, laptop, remote, all within easy reach.

But first, I had to supervise the boys completing some overdue tasks like straightening up their rooms. I had my no-nonsense drill sergeant persona going and we were making some progress when my parents phoned. Hoping to divert my focus, Secret answered the phone, had a short chat with his grandparents where he sweetly asked them to get him a debit card (thankfully, they declined) and then handed the phone to me. When I initiated a conversation, the boys ran off, later claiming that they thought they'd done a terrific job on their rooms and had legitimately been excused. I finished my phone call and lassoed them back to the tasks at hand.

After the rooms were minimally tidied, Sport was directed to get in bed with the book he is supposedly reading for school. Through no fault of his (at least that is what he said), he couldn't comply because he couldn't find the book. Following a successful search and rescue, Sport got in bed with the book. Gleeful, thinking I was close to my own goal of climbing into my bed, I celebrated by folding a load of laundry that had been in the dryer for the entire weekend. As I finished, Secret Service approached and confided that while riding his bike through a small pond earlier in the day, his shoes had mysteriously become wet. Another hunt commenced, this one for Secrets' old pair of shoes. Another success! We found both shoes (don't you hate it when you can only find one?) and put them in a prominent place so that Secret could easily locate them tomorrow.

I could feel myself getting closer to being able to relax in bed. On my way, I let the dog outside to do his business, the woman I carpool with texted me to organize this week's driving, I mediated an argument between the boys about whose turn it was to have the dog sleep in their room, moved clothes from the washer into the dryer, filled Sports' humidifier, and got Secret a box of tissues. Every time I turned around, Sport was out of bed for one reason or another. I tucked him in three times, eventually issuing an ultimatum that if he popped up again he'd go to bed 30 minutes earlier tomorrow.

Finally, I was in my bed. Unfortunately, it was time to go to sleep.

"Where?" - Part 2 or The Plight of the Two Car Family

Science Girl and I share the monumental task of driving the boys to and from school and extracurricular activities. Both boys have backpacks filled with important schoolwork. And they both have bags filled with sports equipment. When they are driven home, we always remind them to get their things out of the car. Sometimes they listen, but other times . . .

Secret Service believes in traveling light and not doing any task that isn’t absolutely necessary. For those reasons, he has been the premier violator of the rule that you take your things with you when you exit the vehicle. We very ineffectively have repeatedly reminded him. One afternoon last spring, he suddenly realized that Science Girl had left on a business trip in her car with his school backpack, homework and school issued laptop computer in the backseat. Secret said he had homework to complete and had to have all those things with him at school the next day. We bonded by pacing and hyperventilating. We called Science Girl, who was en route to the airport. After delivering an “I told you” lecture to Secret, she told us where she planned to park the car so that we could retrieve his important items. Looking at my key ring, I remembered that I’d lost my key to Science Girl’s car. I received an “I told you” lecture and she promised to leave the car unlocked.

We jumped into my car, Secret, Sport and for good company, the dog (who was an unwitting bystander to the craziness), and drove to the airport parking lot. We entered the huge lot and surprisingly were able to find the car without any problem. I allowed myself a moment of jubilation before we pulled the door handle and found Science Girls’ car to be locked. More hyperventilating. Secret and I unraveled a bit, each blaming the other for the dilemma we were in. Then, we pulled ourselves together and joined forces against Science Girl. Why was the car locked when we’d told her not to do so? I called Science Girl, ready to give her a piece of my mind, but she defended herself saying she believed she’d left the car unlocked and that some misguided #@!% good Samaritan must have locked it. Secret and I started to whimper, Sport said he was bored, the dog looked confused.

Science Girl had an idea – ask the workers at the parking lot to break into the car. I approached them hesitantly. Maybe they pitied us (I think the dog added a bit of Grapes of Wrath poignancy to the picture) but whatever the reason, they agreed to help. Luckily, Science Girl had left the drivers’ side window open a crack and using a tool, they were able to open the door. Secret was reunited with his possessions, we thanked the people profusely.

On the drive back home, Sport suggested that we purchase one of those break-in-the-car devices so that we'd be prepared in the future. I assured him that Secret Service had learned his lesson. When we reached the house, the kids went inside and I took the dog for a short walk to reward him for his patience. When I returned, I glanced into the car. Secret had gone into the house leaving all the rescued items in the car. I made a mental note to make a copy of Science Girls car key.

"Where?" - Part 1

The best case scenario for a school day morning is that the children are both in pleasant moods, getting ready as directed, no one is complaining of a malady that would keep them from attending. The worst case, one of the kids can't find something. Many of these things can be skillfully ignored except for the following - Where are my shoes and where is my homework? Both of these questions raise my heart rate and make me start to sweat. (It’s like aerobics – after this kind of morning, I don’t feel the need to work out.) In the blink of an eye, that one word, “where” can turn a sunny, happy morning into a disaster movie.

When this sort of catastrophe strikes, I want to be the calm mommy who murmurs reassuring things to the upset child like, “take a deep breath,” and helps them re-trace their steps to find the lost item. Or, I want to be the organized mommy who has designated a place for every item and sure enough, when we go hand in hand to look together, the items are just where they should be! Or, the natural and logical consequence mommy who lets the children figure it out themselves by asking helpful questions like, “How do you want to handle this?”

Instead, I am the kind of mommy who is already running late and starts racing around the house, scurrying this way and that way, frantically trying to find the items while alternately shouting ideas of places where they should look and mumbling PG-rated obscenities under my breath. Panicked, flushed, frenzied, the search continues. After the screaming (mine) and the tears (mine) fail to produce the missing item, I start to problem solve. I think I’ve had some clever solutions to these dire situations.

Last year, Secret Service had to wear dress shoes to his charter school each day and one morning when he couldn't find his current pair, I felt like I saved the day by finding the dress shoes from the year before. Instead of gratitude, Secret kept saying his toes were scrunched and going numb. Another time, Sport couldn't find his shoes and I managed to find a matched set of pool shoes. The pool shoes fit him and I thought we were ready to walk out the door but he objected, claiming that they weren't appropriate for a snowy day. I offered him a pair of socks but he still took exception to the plan. One time when Secret was younger and couldn't find his shoes, I tried to convince him that wearing a pair of slippers would be a good idea and make him appear creative and imaginative. He didn't buy it and either did Science Girl. She said it would make him look like he was on a day pass from a mental institution. The only time I was successful was when Sport was younger and I talked him into wearing bulky snow boots on a warm spring day by saying that they reminded me of the boots a clone trooper would wear and that if he found puddles or mud, he could jump in it and I'd be OK with that.

Once, when Secret Service and I were searching for his completed homework, we thought to look in the trash can. We discovered the homework, intact, but covered with coffee grounds. While we both hyperventilated, Science Girl, composed and unflappable, placed the stained paper (with coffee grounds clinging to it) in a large plastic baggy, much as she would handle something contaminated in the lab and happily presented this to Secret to take to school. Secret looked at her like she was handing him a severed head to take to show and tell.

Science Girl and I try so hard, I don't know why the kids aren't more appreciative.

Household Chores

When we moved into our current home, four years ago, I saw an opportunity to have my boys be more active in working with us to maintain cleanliness. I had lofty long-term goals. As a liberated woman raising boys, I wanted to prepare them to be the kind of men who understand and appreciate being in an equal partnership with a spouse. And, also true but more practical, we didn’t have a maid and I hate housework.

Why do children only want to help you when they are incompetent? Secret Service was very helpful at age 2. He spent long periods of time standing on a chair at the kitchen sink, the water running (look – I know running the water was wasteful, but there were days when I could find no other way to appease him), “washing” Tupperware. Now, when I’d like him to wash dishes, he will not, cannot, bear the thought of touching dishes that had food on them.

Seeking a chore that he could execute, I tried to get Secret Service to help me fold laundry. Although he can make an intricate paper airplane, he cannot fold a towel in half. Eventually, through a tedious process of trial and error, Secret Service showed aptitude in vacuuming. (Sidebar confession -When Sport was 2 years old, a teacher showed him picture cards and asked that he identify the object on each card. I held my breath when the picture on the card showed a vacuum as I was sure Sport had never seen me push one of those, and I felt terrible that Sport would appear less bright due to his mother’s poor housekeeping. Luckily, Sport had been an avid viewer of enough TV that he recognized the contraption from the Teletubby show and was victorious in correctly answering the question.) Anyway, although Secret Service consents to vacuuming, being a clever fellow, he holds to the rule touted in the Diary of a Wimpy Kid movie when Rodrick, the oldest brother tells Greg, (paraphrased here) - “Don’t be good at anything you don’t like to do.” When Secret vacuums, he (I believe purposefully) periodically hits the vacuum against the furniture and even after being directed hundreds of times to move the ottoman out of the way, “forgets” to do so.

Sport was also extremely helpful when he was 2 years old but he’s more willing to help now, too. Sport wants to learn chores that seem to have an element of danger. Recently, with exuberance, he asked to be taught how to iron. I don’t see that as a good choice for Sport. Over time, Sports’ favorite chore has been to clean the bathrooms. He likes squirting products, enjoys using a toilet brush, doesn’t mind working up a sweat. A few years ago, as we were praising him lavishly, we realized we may have over-emphasized his proficiency when Sport announced that he thought he’d like to clean toilets for a living. I know being a janitor is honorable work but we were aiming a little higher for Sport.

When I've clarified the necessity of being prepared for adulthood, the boys have reassured me by explaining that when they are grown up, they will be rich and they will be hiring a housekeeper. I hope they'll pay for one for me, too.

Back to School

The boys have been back to school for a week now and they are adjusting to a new routine, early mornings, homework. They’re fine, but I’m exhausted.

Sport, who last year could have moonlighted as a product tester, has successfully made it through the first 5 days with his backpack in good shape. He has been very pleased to note that his new shoes still look as if they’ve just come out of the box. The verdict is still out on his lunchbox which failed to report for duty this morning. Sport, with a puzzled look on his face, said he was sure he returned his lunchbox to his backpack after lunch yesterday. Still, two out of three is terrific for Sport. Last year he was 0 for 3 by the end of his first week of school.

I found myself in Secret Service’s school yesterday, at the end of the school day. Secret Service only welcomes me into his world when I’m holding a check book, VISA card or cash. I was on the third floor purchasing books for his literature class when he arrived. Afterwards, as we walked down the hall, I asked, “Do you have any classes on this floor?” Secret nodded. “Which ones?” I asked. Obviously, I had pried too much. Secret shut down, too much sharing. His answer, “Something.”

The way homework works in our family is that if the boys need help, I assist with English, Science Girl takes on Science, we share Social Studies, and you’re on your own for Math once you get to Middle School. This week, Secret Service had to develop a speech, sharing information about himself in a way that was creative. At one point, I proposed that he do a rap. He said, “Only nerds rap.” I had lots of other recommendations, all of which he rejected. Instead of developing a novel way to introduce himself, Secret Service’s idea is to sit in the back of the classroom to avoid being called on. So far, that seems to be successful for him.

As a homework assignment, Sport had to assemble a “me” bag, filled with 3 – 5 objects that would instruct his peers about who he is. I was touched when I saw him place a family photo of the four of us in the “me” bag. He looked up, shrugged, and said, “I can’t find a picture of the dog.”

Weekend at Home

In our family, we have very different ideas about how to spend our weekends. Science Girl likes to be at home. She enjoys doing household tasks like gardening or reorganizing the pantry. She likes to get up early on a weekend morning, dabble in her projects, run errands, and then fall into a deep sleep for the afternoon while the boys run amok. Secret Service and Sport don’t mind staying home and hanging around the house, either. Secret Service likes to go outside, turn on the hose, and watch the water run. Since he’s got the water on, I tried to get him to wash the cars or water the flowers, but he’s not interested in that. Maybe he is soothed by the sound of running water but then again, he isn’t paying the water bill. Another of his favorite pastimes is to patrol the neighborhood holding an air gun, alert to any sign of wasp nests. When he finds one, he attempts to shoot it down. I’m not sure what success he’s had but he hasn’t been stung yet, so that’s a plus. Meanwhile, Sport and his next door buddy enjoy doing experiments in the front yard. Recently, they proudly announced that they’d made paint from scratch and sure enough there was a white paint-like splatter on the lawn, sidewalk and Sports’ shoes. Sport also likes to gather all of our pillows, couch cushions, sheets and blankets to build a fort. This also involves turning many of the chairs over as they serve to stabilize the structure. It’s all fun and games until someone is unreasonable and wants to sit in a chair or have a blanket on their bed.

These aren’t my ideas of a good time. On the weekends, I like to get out of the house. I like to see friends and go places. But, as everyone learned in kindergarten, you have to take turns. So, this weekend I yielded to what the others wanted to do and we were home a lot. I made efforts to break up the monotony by offering to take the boys to buy a few new clothes for the start of the school year or to swim in one of our neighborhood pools. They declined.

Science Girl happily puttered around. She pulled a lot of weeds from the flower beds, made a trip to Mecca, I mean, Home Depot, watched a pre-season football game on TV, took an afternoon nap. She was following her bliss. On Sunday afternoon, she invited the boys to help her install shelves in the garage.

Now, as I want to educate and illuminate the boys about travel and the arts, Science Girl wants to teach them how to care for their future homes. When I passed through the garage, Secret Service was standing on a tall ladder, using a battery powered drill. Sport, waiting patiently for his turn, was on a scooter, winding and turning one way and another through the lawn tools, bicycles and athletic equipment strewn around the garage. Another time, Sport was on a ladder, requesting a power tool and Secret Service was measuring something.

Home maintenance must make you hungry. All day, the boys trooped in and out of the kitchen, scavenging for food. I felt like I was living the children’s book, The Hungry Caterpillar (1 gogurt, 7 glasses of lemonade, 11 tangerines, 23 pretzel nuggets). It was easy to see what they’d eaten because they’d left all the wrappers and empty glasses on the counter. I had been to the grocery store earlier, but they cleaned me out. (Another reason to take the family out for the day – when you come home all your food is still there.)

When it was time for dinner, they all trooped in from the garage. The boys said they were starved. “How do the shelves look?” I asked.

“We couldn’t get it to work,” Science Girl said sadly. “We’ll have to try again next weekend.”

As I brought the food to the table, I thought I heard water running outside. Before I could ask Secret Service if he'd left the water on, he asked how he was supposed to eat if he had no chair. Sport said the fort would fall if we removed a chair, Science Girl was reading her directions from the shelves to figure out where they'd gone wrong. I started a new grocery list.

Almost back to school

I read and try to follow the prevailing parenting wisdom. The parenting "experts" all recommend taking children to the library, introducing them to literature, modeling reading. So, like the "A" Mommy I aspire to be, I took my kids to the library yesterday. Secret Service spent his time looking at DVD's, periodically trying to convince me to let him check out one with an "R" rating. Meanwhile, Sport used my library card to get on a children's computer and play games. I checked out a book for myself and found two books that I will coerce Sport to read. They checked out nothing.

The experts think children should be involved in daily living tasks so I took them with me to run errands and teach them about the world. When we went to the post office, I bought some stamps and tried to discuss the cost of mail and gave a tiny explanation of the Pony Express. The boys sat together on a bench and played "Angry Birds" on my phone. Next, we got in the drive-up lane at the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for me. Secret Service, upon seeing my insurance card, asked if all jobs offer insurance. I answered him and then, thinking we had a teaching moment, went into a short soliloquy about the need for domestic partner benefits. When I finished, Secret Service looked at me. He said, "It takes 3 minutes for each car to have its' turn at the prescription window."

We arrived home and I explained we're going to be electronic-free for a while. I suggested each boy read a book. I handed Sport one of the books I'd gotten for him and pointed to the book Secret Service is supposed to read for school. Rejecting his book, Secret Service announced, "I've got a football team to run." Both boys raced out the front door, Secret Service blowing a whistle and giving directions, Sport running back and forth like an animal out of its' cage. I saw no sign of a football.

Soon, (too soon) they were back inside. I was reminded of all those well meaning parenting experts who suggest that kids are over-scheduled and need time to play, to ponder, to create. My children, their books unopened, were now actively engaged in wrestling each other in the living room. Because they are creative, they were also slapping each other, shoving each other into furniture, all the while shrieking and laughing maniacally. The dog got into the action, too. The boys attempted to smother each other with my couch pillows, the dog tried to bite the pillows. I muttered to the dog, don't bite the pillows, bite the boys. I tried to wait patiently for the inevitable ending - someone always gets hurt. Soon, Sport claimed that he'd been injured. I didn't even inquire about the injury, just used it as the reason that I insisted they go outside to play.

Unfazed, they ignored me. I did what the experts say, I got closer, made eye contact, gave choices. I said, "Would you rather read or do chores?" Sport answered quickly and chose chores. Secret Service offered no response, inscrutable as ever. He motioned to his brother and they went back outside. Briefly, I worried about the neighbors. The experts suggest teaching kids about "inside" and "outside" voices but my boys outside voices are super loud and boisterous.

When I glance outside, my younger boy is wearing a helmet and laying on his back on a skateboard and the older one is pulling him. It begins to rain. I stick my head out the door to beckon them inside. They refuse to come. It isn't until becoming a parent that I've really understood the expression, "doesn't have sense to come out of the rain." They finally troop in, soaked. They are dripping wet but don't think it is necessary to change their clothes. The experts say let them have natural consequences for their behavior - if they get pneumonia they'll learn their lesson. However, it seems I am always the one who gets taught the lesson. Today's lesson has something to do with wet clothes and furniture.

I sigh. School starts tomorow. Until then, I contemplate handing them the TV remote.

Shopping with boys

With back to school shopping needing to be done, I have been reflecting on our past shopping trips with the boys. One that stands out in my mind was a couple of years ago. Innocently, without cruel intentions or malice, my partner and I had taken our two boys to Sears, to get them each new shoes.

Our older son, “Secret Service,” had played two hockey games and a baseball game that weekend plus tackle football with his younger brother right before the shopping trip, but as soon as we got inside the shoe department, he reported that his body was so wracked with pain, he was unable to remove his shoes so that we could get an accurate measurement of his feet. While he winced and squirmed (and whined), still unable to pull his foot from his shoe, the younger one, “Sport,” happily got sized. Miraculously, his feet had not grown, so he was eligible to select a new pair of shoes by the same manufacturer and we wouldn’t have to pay. Thrilled to save money, we showed him the section of these shoes. Like a diminutive, affluent gentleman, with distinctive, superior taste, he turned his nose up at this selection of familiar shoes, instead declaring that he wanted a “new look.” He went about opening and looking into numerous boxes, talking to himself about white shoes, that we knew would be dark the moment he stepped out of the store, silver shoes that looked like aliens had landed on earth, and black shoes etched with neon lime green trim.

Meanwhile, Secret Service, his old shoes still tightly fastened to his feet, had fallen into a heap on the floor, writhing and whimpering about the pain he was in. Sympathetic patrons looked upon us as if we were deranged to bring a suffering child to Sears instead of the local minor emergency center. Eventually, with the bribe of a piece of chewing gum, he did gingerly produce his feet for measurement and did grudgingly accept a replacement for the tattered shoes he had been wearing.

We then turned our full attention back to Sport, the one who seemed exuberant in his love of shoes. He announced that none of the shoes that we offered were right for him, the look he was after. He tried on every shoe his size and like a fussy Goldylocks, claimed one was too tight, one was too loose, one was too ugly, one was just like what he’d had, and on and on. My partner and I scurried around, proffering shoes of various hues, trying to convince him that the shoes we wanted him to select looked lovely on his feet. Eventually, a deal was struck.

Upon leaving the store, Secret Service, who had still been glum and reporting unmitigated pain, had a liveliness to his step. I guess, you’re happy we’re going home, I said. Well, he answered, I thought since we behaved so well, we could go for ice cream. Sport agreed.

My Family

I wanted to introduce readers (and there are easily a half dozen of you) to my immediate family. My partner and co-matriarch of the family is "Science Girl." Science Girl grew up nurturing a burning desire to someday have a job where she could wear a white lab coat (not as a fashion statement but as a Scientist) and in her professional life, she has accomplished this. At home, Science Girl reads and follows directions, measures fabric before cutting, subtracts the checks she writes from her bank balance, follows posted speed limits when driving and all sorts of crazy things that seem to me like unnecessary steps in a busy life. I am emotion and she is logic. We're different, and sometimes I find her idiosyncrasies charming, and other times, annoying.

Our oldest boy, "Secret Service," now a teenager, has kept his life private from us since he was small. When Secret Service attended kindergarten, I would come to pick him up and stand outside the door listening to songs sung, books read, art projects completed. When all the children filed out and I was reunited with my son, I'd ask him about his day.

"What'd you do today?"
Secret Service would reply, "Nothing."
Puzzled, I'd continue to inquire. "Did you sing?"
He'd shake his head no.
"I heard singing."
"We didn't sing."
"Did the teacher read a story?"
"Nope."
"Did you do a craft project?"
At this point, Secret Service would give me a look that over the years we took to mean that he'd shared enough.

This trend has continued and over the years, we have had to glean our information from the bulletins that the school publishes, the parent grapevine and teacher conferences. When we don't get up-to-date intelligence, we end up being surprised by what we find. One time we arrived at Secret Service's school play expecting that he was in the chorus and discovered he had a major role.

While our older son spends his time away from us shrouded in mystery, it is refreshing that our younger son, "Sport" is willing to share details about his day. Although our public elementary school claims they are working hard to get students to achieve, Sport denies that much of his time is spent doing Language Arts (that's the fancy term for Reading, Writing, and Spelling) or Math. Instead, Sport's stories about his school day are always about recess. Our son has developed a love and fierce devotion for a playground game called four square, and if colleges were recruiting for four square players or if there were professional four square teams with million dollar signing bonuses, he'd be set. At the end of each school day, Sport captivates us with his colorful stories of competing for the captaincy of a four square team, other students clamoring for a chance to play with him, his heroic efforts to win, the students who he takes under his wing to coach in the art of the game. Many stories are told with instant re-play moves acted out for dramatic effect.

Sometimes, I badger him for additional information about his day. Smiling and with good cheer, Sport is also willing to re-enact his moves on the flag football and basketball courts.

One of many reasons why I'm tired

When I've mentioned being tired, a few friends noted that my first blog entry was posted in the middle of the night and these friends helpfulfully suggested that I'd be less tired if I slept. That's good logic and I can't argue with it.

However, sleep often eludes me and I've decided to make that work for me. I've taken a part-time overnight position which capitalizes on my inability to sleep by necessitating that I stay awake all night at least two nights a week.

I think we should all work with our strengths and one of mine is that I am able to stay awake at night. Truthfully, when it is bedtime, I resist going to sleep. I blame my parents (this is a theme) for putting me to bed earlier than other children every night of my childhood. I remember going to bed while other kids continued to play outside in the summer and missing the good TV shows because they were past my bedtime. (One of my wishes, while growing up in New Jersey, was to live in one of those time zones where the shows came on an hour earlier. Sometimes dreams really do come true.)

I started this new schedule this summer, so my children have been at home when I've returned from work, groggy, in the morning. Thankfully, they've been supportive of my need for daytime slumber. I think they enjoy not being under my watchful eye, as my eyes are closed. I don't think anything too terrible has occurred while I slept, mostly the same things that go on when I'm alert - avoidance of chores and excessive TV watching.

Summer Vacation

There is nothing I love more than travel. (Well, obviously I love my family more. And, uninterrupted sleep, someone else cleaning my house, and --- wait, I digress.) But, I do love to travel. And, I'm finding that for some destinations, you have to plan way in advance. I'm already thinking about a trip next summer, so my first step is always to ask where my family wants to go. Without fail, the answers (even from the other adult in the home) are a beach or a Disney-type theme park. Then, the second step I always take is to ignore their input.

I want to take them to east coast cities, so rich with history - New York City, Boston, Philadelphia and Washington, DC. We're fortunate that we have family in NJ/NY so in the past couple of years, whenever we go to see family, we try to have a day in the city. The boys fight me as we leave the comfort of my sister's home, filled with various electronic devices, but they've enjoyed touring the Intrepid, walking through the enormous Museum of Natural History and seeing a Broadway show.

Last winter, my younger son made an off-hand comment about wanting to see the Lincoln Memorial. I threw myself on that, having always wanted to take the kids to D.C., a city of enormous sightseeing potential and where I went to college. I organized a trip there for us in early June. Sadly, we arrived in the midst of an unprecedented and unwelcome heat wave. Undaunted, each morning, I marched my crew out into the oven-like city, pushing them on to see the various sights. Periodically, when they weren't too parched from the heat to complain, the children would say they didn't want to be in D.C.

I would patiently explain that the younger one had picked this destination and we had to respect that. The older one would look at him with thinly veiled hatred and the younger one would howl that it wasn't so.

So, for next summer, they may have said "beach," but I think I heard "Boston." Instead of laying on sand, I think they'd really enjoy walking the Freedom Trail. They're baseball fans so I'm even willing to throw in a game at Fenway Park. I think they'll love it!

The beginning

Being a Mommy was a life long goal for me and one that was difficult to achieve. Maybe that's one of the reasons that I want so badly to be good at it. Truthfully, I don't want to be good at it, I want to be great. I want to be seen as an amazing mom. In reality, I'm not as good at parenting as I thought I'd be. Turns out I'm frequently tired, chronically disorganized, not particularly patient and my kids would say I'm a bad driver. I'm a B+ Mommy striving for an A.

Today's examples to support my B+ grade -

My younger son loves TV and has to be forced to read. So, hoping to increase his love of the written word, I'm reading the book, "Shiloh" to him. I had never read it before and it is an absolutely wonderful book, one that we both are enjoying. However, instead of reading yeaterday, we spent our time together watching an episode of "Good Luck Charlie" on TV.

My older son completed a summer volunteer job and I wanted to celebrate that with him. He has a wicked soda addiction that we are always trying to thwart. So knowing that, I'm not sure why we celebrated by drinking huge sodas from Sonic, even though they were delicious and half price for happy hour.

At our house, we've got 2 girls and 2 boys like in many traditional households, but at our house, the girls are the mom's and the boys are the kids. Besides my own need to do this parenting thing well, I think I feel more presssure to succeed because I want to prove that a non-traditonal family can raise good kids.

My partner and I both hold jobs outside of the home, we've got the boys to raise, a dog, a cat, a huge mortgage. It's my version of the American dream.