Almost back to school

I read and try to follow the prevailing parenting wisdom. The parenting "experts" all recommend taking children to the library, introducing them to literature, modeling reading. So, like the "A" Mommy I aspire to be, I took my kids to the library yesterday. Secret Service spent his time looking at DVD's, periodically trying to convince me to let him check out one with an "R" rating. Meanwhile, Sport used my library card to get on a children's computer and play games. I checked out a book for myself and found two books that I will coerce Sport to read. They checked out nothing.

The experts think children should be involved in daily living tasks so I took them with me to run errands and teach them about the world. When we went to the post office, I bought some stamps and tried to discuss the cost of mail and gave a tiny explanation of the Pony Express. The boys sat together on a bench and played "Angry Birds" on my phone. Next, we got in the drive-up lane at the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for me. Secret Service, upon seeing my insurance card, asked if all jobs offer insurance. I answered him and then, thinking we had a teaching moment, went into a short soliloquy about the need for domestic partner benefits. When I finished, Secret Service looked at me. He said, "It takes 3 minutes for each car to have its' turn at the prescription window."

We arrived home and I explained we're going to be electronic-free for a while. I suggested each boy read a book. I handed Sport one of the books I'd gotten for him and pointed to the book Secret Service is supposed to read for school. Rejecting his book, Secret Service announced, "I've got a football team to run." Both boys raced out the front door, Secret Service blowing a whistle and giving directions, Sport running back and forth like an animal out of its' cage. I saw no sign of a football.

Soon, (too soon) they were back inside. I was reminded of all those well meaning parenting experts who suggest that kids are over-scheduled and need time to play, to ponder, to create. My children, their books unopened, were now actively engaged in wrestling each other in the living room. Because they are creative, they were also slapping each other, shoving each other into furniture, all the while shrieking and laughing maniacally. The dog got into the action, too. The boys attempted to smother each other with my couch pillows, the dog tried to bite the pillows. I muttered to the dog, don't bite the pillows, bite the boys. I tried to wait patiently for the inevitable ending - someone always gets hurt. Soon, Sport claimed that he'd been injured. I didn't even inquire about the injury, just used it as the reason that I insisted they go outside to play.

Unfazed, they ignored me. I did what the experts say, I got closer, made eye contact, gave choices. I said, "Would you rather read or do chores?" Sport answered quickly and chose chores. Secret Service offered no response, inscrutable as ever. He motioned to his brother and they went back outside. Briefly, I worried about the neighbors. The experts suggest teaching kids about "inside" and "outside" voices but my boys outside voices are super loud and boisterous.

When I glance outside, my younger boy is wearing a helmet and laying on his back on a skateboard and the older one is pulling him. It begins to rain. I stick my head out the door to beckon them inside. They refuse to come. It isn't until becoming a parent that I've really understood the expression, "doesn't have sense to come out of the rain." They finally troop in, soaked. They are dripping wet but don't think it is necessary to change their clothes. The experts say let them have natural consequences for their behavior - if they get pneumonia they'll learn their lesson. However, it seems I am always the one who gets taught the lesson. Today's lesson has something to do with wet clothes and furniture.

I sigh. School starts tomorow. Until then, I contemplate handing them the TV remote.